Now, by way of introduction: Some people say I’m a chain-smoking, semi-drunken ex go-go dancer from the ’60s – and I guess that sums it up nicely. But I’m also a celebrity – and as a celebrity, I set my own rules concerning where and when I smoke. Wherever I light up automatically becomes the smoking section. I ALWAYS smoke on airline flights, and rarely have a problem with it. A fistful of dollars handed to the flight attendant usually takes care of things at the beginning of the flight, and I give the stink-eye to passengers who have a problem with me, and if that doesn’t work, a few screamed obscenities usually does the trick. If all else fails, I’ll head to the lavatory – you ever seen what a stiletto heel does to a smoke detector?

Of course I’ve heard the claims about the adverse effects of smoking – that’s why I had an ashtray installed on my exercise bike – right next to the cupholder for my Scotch.

Let’s face it, smokers are much more interesting and attractive people than non-smokers. How many times have we been trapped in a room with non-smokers? Do I have to tell you what that’s like? Don’t get me wrong – getting into a knife fight with a rabid “anti” isn’t necessarily the best approach, but speaking from personal experience, it IS a bit of an adrenaline rush. I think I’m a good example of the positive benefits of smoking… if I didn’t smoke, do you think I would have had my own television specials, guest-starred on numerous TV shows, and starred in several motion pictures? And what about all the stars I’ve slept with? Could I have done that if I were a non-smoker? Of course not. Just ask the game-show host who told me I couldn’t smoke during the show – I put my cigarette out in his eye, and walked off the set. Of course, I would never do things like this out of meanness – I’m simply a strong, assertive female, a worthy role model to all you kids out there. And, I suppose some of it does stem from meanness… But as women, and as smokers, we have the power – we must use it.
And one last point – I’m not looking for any payments from “Big Tobacco” because I smoke – truth be told, I may owe them a few bucks, since I occasionally shoplift a couple packs here and there – you know how it is…

Your friend,

Roxy

PS – And please, if you have nothing better to do, stop over at my blog. It’s guaranteed to cheer you up, and provide a sense of solidarity you’ve never before experienced. Or at least, it may make you smile.
http://retroroxy.wordpress.com